All posts in category relationships

Choose Well and Just Keep Going

IF

My wife came home from her yoga class the other day and she was really excited.

Wife: “I did really well in class today!”
Me: “Really, what’d you do?”
Wife: “I was doing baddha konasana [bound angle pose] and I went to my usual spot and stopped. Then something told me to ‘just keep going’ and I did!”

My first thought was, wow, it really is that simple. What if we did the same more often in our lives? What if, every time we reached some self-imposed limitation, we simply “just keep going?”

Think of how often we create our own barriers in our careers, relationships and personal care. You’re not going for that promotion because “you’re not smart enough.” You’ve stopped looking for the right person because “you’re not attractive enough.” You just aren’t getting to the gym because “you’re too tired.” Motivation, determination and will-power are great—if you have them. The “something” that we all can use to move forward, and you’ve heard me say this before, is choice.

We’re choosing machines. Our lives are full of choices, big and small. We can fairly easily decide what to wear each day, what we want for lunch and whether to watch TV or read a book in the evening. These are easy choices because there’s little risk. What makes some choices really difficult is fear. Fear of failure and disappointment.

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

Our fears of failure and disappointment originate from some twisted reality we’ve created in our mind. Let’s take the gym thing as an example. Quite often when working with clients, together we uncover that the “I’m too tired to go to the gym” is really “I’m afraid to go to the gym because everyone is looking at me and I’ll be embarrassed.”

False Evidence #1- What’s the likelihood that everybody really is looking at you? What’s their purpose for being at the gym?
False Evidence #2- Whose choice is it to be embarrassed?
False Evidence #3- OK, what if everyone was looking at you and you did feel embarrassed? What choices do you still have?

It’s that third one that really instills the fear. Many people feel they wouldn’t have the fortitude to stick it out and they’d chalk it up as one big failure on their part.

It always comes down to choice. Are you going to stop at your usual spot or just keep going?

Photo credit: zen / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA

1 Comment
by Paul on March 13  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, fitness, relationships, weight loss

Posted by Paul on March 13

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/03/13/choose-well-and-just-keep-going/

Broadening Your Horizons

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Our lives revolve around five basic areas: career, relationships, financial issues, physical health, and community participation. When someone enters a coaching partnership with me, they typically have one specific area on which they want to focus. As we work together and my client starts to move forward in one area, they start to realize their own strengths and progress in the other areas too. This leads to an overall increase in their sense of well-being.

I do occasionally have clients that come to me for the specific reason of NOT being able to move forward in other areas of their life. These individuals have put so much time into successfully improving one part of their life that they have lost sight of what’s going on in other areas. They’re stuck and they need some clarity on broadening their focus to move forward in all aspects of their life.

Maybe you’ve been pulling yourself out of debt by working double-shifts and have been eating poorly. Or you’re the parent so consumed by raising their child that you haven’t talked to your spouse or partner in days. One of the most common scenarios is when someone has a health issue; trying to reach a comfortable weight for example. All of their energy goes towards monitoring their diet and getting plenty of exercise. This intense focus can last weeks or even months. When they reach their goal, they may realize that they let some relationships slip. All of these individuals find themselves in a position where they need to change directions and they need some support in turning from their well travelled road onto an unmarked one.

So, how can you make that turn yourself? You first need to realize why the new direction is important to you. Envision your life with the added clarity and all it will provide you. Next, make the commitment to change. Knowing something is lagging isn’t the same as making the commitment to move forward. Finally, get moving! Find at least one action you can take today to start making progress and get it done. In short, get in the driver’s seat, take control of the wheel and step on the gas!

Sometimes people have a hard time finding the accelerator. One tactic that seems to be helpful is pushing yourself to try something new. Start doing things that the “old you” would never have thought possible and you get bonus points if there’s a little bit of a risk. Have you always wanted to zip-line but couldn’t because of your weight? Get out there and do it now; and take a friend. Want to make new friends? Join a social group. Want to be more involved with the kids? Volunteer at their school.

“But I don’t have the time.” Yes, you do. Remember that you always have choices. I have yet to work with someone that, once they got creative and looked at their options, couldn’t find the time to do something for themselves. You’ve already proven your strength and ability to progress in one area so what’s stopping you now?

You’re complex and there’s a lot that adds up to make the complete you. Be authentic, real and completely fulfilled by developing your uniqueness. The world needs the best version of you that you can offer!

Photo credit: MYANIC / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

4 Comments
by Paul on February 27  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, relationships, self-esteem

Posted by Paul on February 27

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/02/27/broadening-your-horizons/

How to Have Difficult Conversations

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I thought this was a good topic with Valentine’s Day approaching. A common theme during my coaching conversations is frustration or anger with another person; often someone close like a spouse or child. A question I often ask is “How have your conversations gone around this topic?” A common answer is “Oh, I haven’t even talked to them about it.” *facepalm*

Over the course of a relationship, we can build very strong mental connections. There was a time when my wife and I could easily finish each other sentences. Now, I swear she’s telepathic and she’s usually answering me before I even open my mouth. However, regardless of how well we think we know each other, we really aren’t mind readers. To work through an issue, you need to be open and honest with each other. This can be difficult because being honest leaves us vulnerable.

Once you’ve gathered your courage enough for a real conversation, you need to be ready for it to be two-sided. You and the other person both have a viewpoint and you both think you’re right. Yelling or shutting down isn’t going to get you anywhere; except maybe a few nights on the couch. Try really listening to them. There will be plenty of time to make your point. Be quiet and hear and process what they’re saying. Try some empathy. How would this situation look from their side? Once you’ve listened and tried to appreciate their view, then you can talk.

And you’re going to talk—like an adult. Face it men, we can revert back to our inner 12-year old pretty quickly when we’re feeling vulnerable. We can get pouty, snippy and sometimes downright mean. Be very aware of both your attitude and tone. Remember that this is someone you care about and you’d never do anything to intentionally hurt them. Words can hurt and you can’t take them back so be mindful of what you’re saying.

This adult conversation will go exceptionally well if you just let go of the need to “win.” The topic might be something really important to you but, quite often, we get into arguments about what amounts to some pretty petty stuff. If you’ve approached the discussion calmly and have shown real respect for the other person, then there’s a good chance they’ve listened to you too. Try to come to an agreement or compromise. There might be times when you simply can’t come to common ground and you need to stick with a contrary action to stay true to yourself or your values. If you do, make sure the other person understands that decision. Remember, they’re feeling vulnerable too and might assume your actions were done from a place of spite or hurt. Keep the final outcome in the light of honesty, trust and respect.

Whenever you’re having a difficult discussion, the best advice is to keep in the front of your mind the importance this person holds for you. See them and not the situation and you’ll likely proceed with a more positive approach.

Photo credit: Ed Yourdon / Foter.com / CC BY-SA

1 Comment
by Paul on February 6  •  Permalink
Posted in relationships, self-esteem

Posted by Paul on February 6

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/02/06/how-to-have-difficult-conversations/

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