Ask for Help When You Need It

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I was recently working with someone through some dietary issues. Through a few questions, I became fairly certain that knowledge wasn’t the reason why this individual was having a hard time eating a healthy diet. They often replied that they simply didn’t know how to shop but I was sensing something was missing so I had to challenge them. They eventually opened up. I learned that they were embarrassment to say they didn’t know how to shop within their budget. Now that the real issue was brought to light, it was something we could work on together.

I briefly switched into teaching mode and supplied some information on how to eat well within a budget. I’ve included that for you below. For the rest of the session, I had gained their permission to explore their thoughts around asking for help when they need it. In this instance, and others I’ve encountered, this hindrance was rooted in the same sense of shame or embarrassment that causes so many esteem issues. We’re afraid of the judgements others will make in light of our lack of complete perfection. For this individual, we walked through the scenarios of them asking or not asking for help. Not asking for help would have lead to further health issues while their eventual opening up and reaching out resolved the issue.

What they learned is that everyone needs help at points in their life. More important is that no one can help you if you don’t ask.

If you need help with something in your life right now, you have two options. Are you going to stay the course, afraid of the perceived sense of shame in asking for help, or will you be just a little brave and maybe quickly and easily solve the problem?

Photo credit: Gwendal_ / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA (derivative)

Here are a few resources on how to eat healthy on a budget.
http://greatist.com/health/44-healthy-foods-under-1
http://www.choosemyplate.gov/healthy-eating-on-budget.html
http://www.mensfitness.com/ian-cohen/cheap-sources-of-healthy-protein

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by Paul on May 29  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, self-esteem, weight loss
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Posted by Paul on May 29

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/05/29/ask-for-help-when-you-need-it/

You’re More Than a Label

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We have a lot of different ways to describe ourselves. We’re really complex as individuals and we have a lot to offer but, unfortunately, we tend to try and wrap ourselves up into neat little packages that can be explained with just a few words or numbers. You might see yourself as a number on a scale, an age, an IQ, or a salary range. Maybe you tag yourself with your gender, nationality or preferences. But you’re more than just numbers and labels.

When I first meet with a client, we often start our coaching relationship with an informal conversation. “Tell me about yourself” usually leads to a laundry list of these labels. Maybe we’ve been so conditioned to have a “30-second elevator speech” ready that we revert to this short-hand method of describing ourselves out of habit. Asking how others see them sometimes renders more details but just marginally. What tends to break the pattern is story telling.

When I ask “Tell me the story of your life and where you want it to go” that usually results in a more rich and detailed view of the individual. It’s difficult to move through a plot and fully describe a desired state with just a few words. This is a great exercise for anyone to go through to more fully understand who they are and where they want to go.

On paper or online, create two pages. Title one “How I Got Here” and the other “Where I Will Go.” Take about an hour and write these two stories using complete sentences and with detail. Put them aside for a day or two then come back and read them.

How does your detailed story change how you think about yourself? How will you talk about yourself to others going forward? It’s likely you now have a more full picture and a few labels simply won’t be able to convey all of the great things you have to say about yourself!

Give this exercise a try and let me know how it went for you.

Photo credit: Christi Nielsen / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

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by Paul on May 22  •  Permalink
Posted in body image, confidence, self-esteem
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Posted by Paul on May 22

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/05/22/more-than-a-label/

Your Change is About You

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We all need to change at points in our lives. Some changes are more urgent than others.

I work with a lot of individuals that realize their health and well-being are suffering because of choices they have made and they need to make some changes, They may even have reached a point on their own where they have developed a plan of action. They often become stuck at this point though and have a difficult time moving forward.

Some of the more common roadblocks are fear (of failure and success) and feelings of being unworthy of the positive outcome. Often, “it’s too hard” comes up but that’s really just an expression of lack of confidence. The self-imposed obstacle that will most quickly bring about a challenge from me, however, is “It’s too late for me to change.” I’m learning this argument is often raised when there is another person involved. Sometimes people are afraid that their change will alienate their spouse or partner and make them feel left behind. Others feel they need and don’t have their full support.

If you have a spouse or partner that isn’t as supportive as you’d like, here are a few pointers:

  • Clearly explain how the change you’re pursuing will make your life better. Convey how that will positively impact the relationship too.
  • Explain that you’d really like their support and how they can best provide it.
  • Invite them to join you to make the change together, if it makes sense. If they want to join you, great, but you’re not expecting or demanding any change of them.
  • Involve them as much as possible if they’re not participating with you. For example, ask them to hold you accountable for your diet, workout, etc.
  • Celebrate small milestones and goals together.
  • If this is something for which they truly can’t provide their support, then acknowledge that but ask them to at least respect your desires and not detract from your efforts. Find someone that can provide support but make sure that this person isn’t someone your partner would find threatening.
  • Should your partner ever resort to sabotaging your efforts, then consider taking a serious look at the relationship.

The most obvious solution is to work on the change together. If you both smoke, quit together. If you both want to get in shape, workout and improve your diet together. Of course, you can’t force someone else to change. Trying that can cause a rift in the relationship. You also can’t make your success dependent on their level of participation. If you’re making a positive change for yourself, then you’re the only one that can be truly accountable for your success.

Photo credit: jef safi \ ‘pictosophizing / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

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by Paul on May 15  •  Permalink
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Posted by Paul on May 15

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/05/15/your-change-is-about-you/

There’s No Need for Dieting

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Dieting stinks. In some cases, you have a list of foods you can’t eat or a limited list of things you can eat. There are others that require you to track everything that goes into your mouth and record calories or points or units or exchanges. Others require you to eat pre-packaged foods or starve yourself by only eating a meal replacement instead of real food. Regardless of the method, dieting simply isn’t fun. It also isn’t sustainable because that’s not how we were built to eat.

I work with a lot of people that feel they need someone to tell them what they should and shouldn’t eat. What I’ve discovered is that most people are naturally healthy eaters and can intuitively decide what is right for them to eat. I’ll admit that there is a percentage of the population that simply does not understand good nutrition. However, once they have the knowledge, they have all the tools they need to succeed in reaching a healthy weight. When asked, I’m guessing that most people would agree that 32 ounces of regular soda every day isn’t a good food choice. They know about shopping around the edge of the grocery store and they understand that processed foods aren’t a good choice. So why is eating right so difficult and we need to “go on a diet?”

For many, dieting can become a crutch. If you don’t eat right, you can blame the diet. It’s too hard to stick to, it’s too restrictive, the food doesn’t taste good. Ultimately, what you put in your mouth is your choice. If you eat too much fast food, eat more real food. If you eat too many sweets, cut them back or out completely. If you simply eat too much, decrease your portion sizes. It’s in our biology to know how to eat intuitively; you just need to start trusting yourself.

To eat intuitively, just keep these few questions in mind:

Are you really hungry right now? (You could be under stress, bored, thirsty or in an environment where you’ve been conditioned to eat.)
If you’re hungry, is what you’re about to eat a good choice? (Use your own knowledge and wisdom here.)
If you’re hungry and you’ve made a good choice, then are you taking too much food? (Would you be embarrassed to have someone else look at your plate right now?)

Now, everyone’s body is different. No one can really say “This is the best diet for you and will help you lose X pounds.” There’s simply too many variables. Some of us don’t tolerate some foods well, for example, and we should eliminate those from our diet. Other than taking an expensive blood test, really the only way to know what’s right for you is to experiment and listen to your body. If wheat products tend to give you stomach problems, then cut them out for 30 days to see if they improve. If they do, then don’t start eating wheat again. Want to build lean mass? Then eat more protein but NOT milk if you’re lactose intolerant. Find something else that works well for you.

It takes a little time but learning what foods are best for you and eating in a pattern that’s right for you will allow you to have a much happier and healthy relationship with food. You’ll no longer fear it and dread meal times but, instead, enjoy eating as it was meant to be.

Photo credit: Patrick Feller / Foter.com / CC BY

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by Paul on May 8  •  Permalink
Posted in weight loss

Posted by Paul on May 8

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/05/08/theres-no-need-for-dieting/

How We Treat Ourselves

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Coaching is about asking questions and listening. You help people bring out their own wisdom to move forward in their life. Often, the coach learns a lot by being exposed to others’ knowledge.

During a recent session, a client made a values statement that really struck me. They said “Whenever I hear someone say ‘I don’t have time’ I always tell them to tack on the words ‘for you’ because that’s what you really mean when you say ‘I don’t have time’….’I don’t have time for you.’ ” I had never really thought of it that way before but it rings true. That was completely accurate for this person. They always make time for others. What’s interesting is that this may also be at the root of personal care issues because the statement “I don’t have time for myself” seems to be acceptable to this individual.

We often treat ourselves differently from how we treat others. I’ve worked with some of the most kind, generous and caring people that were harsh and ruthless towards themselves. In theory, we’re not supposed to be able to love and care for others more than we do ourselves. I don’t think these individuals dislike who are what they are. Instead they have a misplaced sense of guilt. They feel like they shouldn’t like themselves or feel worthy because false perceptions tell them that others don’t.

To get out of this trap, do away with the external judgements. Others likely don’t know what a great person you are and their opinion really doesn’t matter anyway. Acknowledge your strengths and gifts and celebrate successes publicly. You may be surprised by how many are celebrating with you. Also, take time to care for yourself. If you have the attitude of “I don’t care about myself” then you’re showing the people that love and depend on you that “I don’t care about myself…or you.”

Are there inconsistencies between how you treat yourself and others? How might you bring those more in line?

Photo credit: Stephen Poff / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

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by Paul on May 1  •  Permalink
Posted in body image, change, self-esteem, weight loss

Posted by Paul on May 1

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/05/01/how-we-treat-ourselves/

Self Acceptance

man-in-the-mirror-1

I recently had a talk with a woman about an emotional experience she had at a gym. It was her first visit. She’s overweight and she felt really self-conscious being at the gym. She felt everyone was watching her, thinking why was she there and that she wasn’t good enough to be there. She worked herself into such a negative mental state that she stopped her workout after only a few minutes and left the gym in tears.

A similar incident was mentioned in my post about fear. The same false evidence was coming into play for this woman but the issue went deeper. As we talked, she uncovered that she felt unaccepted. She also couldn’t accept herself.

Acceptance is the basis of compassion. To truly empathize with another, you have to accept them for who they are instead of trying to change them to what you want; that’s simply manipulation. When people think about self-acceptance, however, the thoughts are less charitable. For some reason, we equate acceptance with “settling” and they are completely different.

Look at the incident at the gym. She obviously wasn’t settling for her current physical state. She was in the gym doing something about it to better herself. At the same time, this desire for change also interfered with her accepting who she is right now. She saw herself as less than others. A little coaching got her to realizing she is equal and simply a person in a state of transition. It was a very subtle change in perception, but the discovery allowed her to return to the gym and start working towards her new level of fitness.

Accepting yourself for who you are in the moment does not mean you’re giving up any vision of a better you for your future. It means you’re acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses and allowing yourself to grow and progress without any false, negative self-judgement. You’re showing yourself the same compassion you would have towards anyone else.

How might accepting yourself for who you are allow you to make progress towards what you’d like to become?

Photo credit: Jon Newman / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

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by Paul on April 24  •  Permalink
Posted in body image, change, confidence, fitness, self-esteem, weight loss
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Posted by Paul on April 24

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/04/24/self-acceptance/

How to Manage Perceptions of Limited Scope

fish puzzle

You get what you look for…..

We tend to cloud our thoughts with perceptions of limited scope. Have you ever used one of those puzzles where something is printed in red and blue ink and, to see something hidden in the printing, you look through a red plastic film? Our perceptions are just like that. If we look at life through a single colored lens, we’re going to miss the whole picture.

If you think the world is full of people out to get you, that’s all you’ll see because that’s all you’re looking for. You’ll miss the fact that someone offered to help you with an assignment or complimented your choice in music. If you’re unhappy with your looks and are always finding flaws in the mirror, you’ll miss those striking eyes or beautiful skin. You belittle yourself because you’re not making progress at work and lose sight of the fact that you’re an incredible father and husband. We all have these lenses but the more we can learn to drop them, the more fulfilled lives we’ll lead.

We trap ourselves into these limited perceptions simply through habit. We can expand our perceptions by learning to question ourselves and testing whether we’re operating from true knowledge. Once simple technique is “relabeling.” When you find yourself using a limiting viewpoint, mentally label it as such and give yourself a new label. For example, if you’re looking in the mirror and noticing all of the wrinkles and thinking how old they make you look, stop and think “I’ve just labeled myself as ‘old.’ From now on, these wrinkles are called ‘wisdom.’ ” In a while, you’ll notice that the way you see the world will start to expand and your perceptions will become less negative and constrictive.

What labels do you incorrectly use for yourself and how can you create some new ones?

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by Paul on April 17  •  Permalink
Posted in body image, change, confidence, self-esteem

Posted by Paul on April 17

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/04/17/how-to-manage-perceptions-of-limited-scope/

Using Rituals to Create Lasting Change

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I recently worked with a client that talked about how rituals are important to him. This initially struck me as unusual because that word isn’t used very often. As he went deeper into his story, I started seeing how his rituals were, indeed, of great benefit and began exploring how I could introduce this concept to others.

Once you’ve achieved a mindset that will allow you to pursue a lasting change, whether it be related to health, career, relationships or finances, you’ll still need to successfully adopt your new behaviors and that will take time. Two common methods of reinforcing the desired behaviors include environmental control and conditioning. In the first, you ensure the environment you’re in supports your desired change. For example, if you’re trying to quit smoking, you no longer use the exit that goes right past where you used to hang out when you were a smoker. In conditioning, you simply exchange an unwanted behavior for a better one. For example, taking a drink of water when you’re about to grab an unhealthy snack. Looking at just these two examples, it would appear that rituals have really been used as part of behavior change for years; we just never used that word.

I like the idea of creating formal rituals to be used throughout the day. These can be used to set the framework for achieving goals, to keep things in perspective and to cement your intentions into memory and behavior. Let’s say you’re in a sales position and you hate making sales calls. You have a set monthly goal but you haven’t been making your numbers. What if you created a ritual that supported these goals? You get in the office and make yourself a cup of your favorite tea, take it back to your office and close the door. Next, you take a few minutes to just breathe. Maybe you have an inspirational picture or quote you can ponder. Now, you pick up the phone and work through your contact list for the day. You do this first thing and do nothing else until you’re done. Over time, this ritual simply becomes habit. You become more efficient and effective at making calls and meeting your numbers.

You can develop a ritual to support any change you want to make. Design it so that it has sensory elements that are important to you and pleasing. The more pleasant you make the action, the more likely you are to adopt it as a lasting behavior. Make it as intricate as you like; just make it your own.

What areas of your life could be positively impacted by creating your own ritual?

Photo credit: AlicePopkorn / Foter.com / CC BY

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by Paul on April 10  •  Permalink
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Posted by Paul on April 10

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/04/10/using-rituals-to-create-lasting-change/

How to Approach Mid-life Rediscovery

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I work with a lot of people, mainly men, that are in or nearing those years that we sometimes call “middle age.” Our society still places a stigma on age through a stereotype that older means less energy and creativity. Sometimes, people will go out of their way to restore or regain their virility, worth, liveliness and energy. This is sometimes given the derogatory label of a “mid-life crisis.” It’s not a “mid-life crisis;” you’re simply rediscovering yourself!

Let’s say you’re in these “mid-years” and think “That’s it, I can’t take this anymore. I’m doing something about this.” A common roadblock at that point is often a strong sense of guilt. At this age, you likely have a number of responsibilities; family, career (maybe more than one) and social commitments. I’ve worked with quite a few people that felt they simply couldn’t take the time to get some exercise, learn to eat right or spend time on creative pursuits because too many people are depending on them and they simply don’t have the time to do something for themselves.

Let’s highlight a phrase here: other people are depending on you! If you’re not at your best, you’re hurting more than yourself. You’re likely robbing the people you truly care about from being with the best version of you that you have to offer.

From a biological standpoint, there’s nothing that says we have to decline substantially physically as we age. Most of the change I see is all mental. As people get older, they can start to lose confidence in their ability to be fit, healthy and happy. They lose their edge. If they have health issues, they get trapped in a spiral of despair and worry instead of taking control of their health and doing what’s needed to restore the healthy life they deserve. Is it easy to turn that ship around? No. But you have a choice (you ALWAYS have a choice) you can either live the rest of your life unhealthy and unfulfilled or you can make the choice to live the life you were meant to live. And most likely the one that the world needs you to live.

If you make that move to restore your gusto, do it knowing you have the right to be healthy, happy and vibrant. Just hit 50 and you want to start a rock-band because it’s what you’ve always dreamed? Awesome! If you’re in your 60s and lifting weights, good for you! Nearing 70 and just starting yoga? Very cool! Never look at these opportunities to rediscover yourself as some sort of “crisis” and never feel guilty. This is your life to live….and you still have plenty of years to rock!

Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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by Paul on April 3  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, fitness, relationships, self-esteem, weight loss
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Posted by Paul on April 3

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/04/03/how-to-approach-mid-life-rediscovery/

What if you had to lose a few inches to keep your job?

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Getting in shape, improving your diet and regaining your health can be tough. Like any other change, you have to want it for it to happen.

Everyone goes through the same cycle: you first realize you need to make a change, you decide to make the change, you create a plan of action and then you get working on that plan. All too often, people simply never make it to that last step. The main culprit, often cloaked in “it’s too hard,” is really “I’m too scared.” People are afraid of failure not realizing that failure is a natural part of the process. It just takes some determination and grit to pick yourself back up and keep going. I often use the analogy of learning to ride a bike as a child. You fall a few times but you’re so excited to be learning to ride and you have such strong visions of riding off with your friends and having fun that you just keep getting back up; skinned legs and all. The process of weight-loss really isn’t any different but it often makes people shut down and give up hope.

Yesterday, I read an article about an Airforce Colonel that threw away his military career instead of losing two inches. Now, there may be more to the story, but this really struck me. To meet the minimum requirement, he had to drop his waist size by two inches. It varies by individual but, for me, that would have been about 12 pounds. I’m assuming the colonel knew the requirements and was likely aware of his upcoming fitness test. He couldn’t find it within himself to prepare and shed a few pounds? Was the choice to do so that threatening that he preferred to simply step down?

It’s scary but if you really want to take control of your life and create a healthy lifestyle then know that you can do it. Like learning to ride a bike, you just need to have a clear picture of your goal. Break it down to smaller goals if you have a long way to go. One technique I use with my coaching clients is called dialoguing. I walk them through the process of clearly visualizing their new, healthy self then we have a conversation that takes place six months in the future. We talk about how they got to their goal, how their life has changed and where they’re going next. I’ve seen this exercise completely change the mindset of people that just couldn’t quite get into full action mode. It gives them that vision they need to get back on the bike.

If you look in the mirror and feel like you need to make a change then move forward with the confidence knowing it’s completely within your power. If you really want it, it’s yours!

Photo credit: bark / Foter.com / CC BY

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by Paul on March 27  •  Permalink
Posted in body image, change, confidence, fitness, weight loss
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Posted by Paul on March 27

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/03/27/what-if-you-had-to-lose-a-few-inches-to-keep-your-job/

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