All posts in category change

Self Acceptance

man-in-the-mirror-1

I recently had a talk with a woman about an emotional experience she had at a gym. It was her first visit. She’s overweight and she felt really self-conscious being at the gym. She felt everyone was watching her, thinking why was she there and that she wasn’t good enough to be there. She worked herself into such a negative mental state that she stopped her workout after only a few minutes and left the gym in tears.

A similar incident was mentioned in my post about fear. The same false evidence was coming into play for this woman but the issue went deeper. As we talked, she uncovered that she felt unaccepted. She also couldn’t accept herself.

Acceptance is the basis of compassion. To truly empathize with another, you have to accept them for who they are instead of trying to change them to what you want; that’s simply manipulation. When people think about self-acceptance, however, the thoughts are less charitable. For some reason, we equate acceptance with “settling” and they are completely different.

Look at the incident at the gym. She obviously wasn’t settling for her current physical state. She was in the gym doing something about it to better herself. At the same time, this desire for change also interfered with her accepting who she is right now. She saw herself as less than others. A little coaching got her to realizing she is equal and simply a person in a state of transition. It was a very subtle change in perception, but the discovery allowed her to return to the gym and start working towards her new level of fitness.

Accepting yourself for who you are in the moment does not mean you’re giving up any vision of a better you for your future. It means you’re acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses and allowing yourself to grow and progress without any false, negative self-judgement. You’re showing yourself the same compassion you would have towards anyone else.

How might accepting yourself for who you are allow you to make progress towards what you’d like to become?

Photo credit: Jon Newman / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

Leave a comment
by Paul on April 24  •  Permalink
Posted in body image, change, confidence, fitness, self-esteem, weight loss
Tagged , , , , ,

Posted by Paul on April 24

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/04/24/self-acceptance/

How to Manage Perceptions of Limited Scope

fish puzzle

You get what you look for…..

We tend to cloud our thoughts with perceptions of limited scope. Have you ever used one of those puzzles where something is printed in red and blue ink and, to see something hidden in the printing, you look through a red plastic film? Our perceptions are just like that. If we look at life through a single colored lens, we’re going to miss the whole picture.

If you think the world is full of people out to get you, that’s all you’ll see because that’s all you’re looking for. You’ll miss the fact that someone offered to help you with an assignment or complimented your choice in music. If you’re unhappy with your looks and are always finding flaws in the mirror, you’ll miss those striking eyes or beautiful skin. You belittle yourself because you’re not making progress at work and lose sight of the fact that you’re an incredible father and husband. We all have these lenses but the more we can learn to drop them, the more fulfilled lives we’ll lead.

We trap ourselves into these limited perceptions simply through habit. We can expand our perceptions by learning to question ourselves and testing whether we’re operating from true knowledge. Once simple technique is “relabeling.” When you find yourself using a limiting viewpoint, mentally label it as such and give yourself a new label. For example, if you’re looking in the mirror and noticing all of the wrinkles and thinking how old they make you look, stop and think “I’ve just labeled myself as ‘old.’ From now on, these wrinkles are called ‘wisdom.’ ” In a while, you’ll notice that the way you see the world will start to expand and your perceptions will become less negative and constrictive.

What labels do you incorrectly use for yourself and how can you create some new ones?

Leave a comment
by Paul on April 17  •  Permalink
Posted in body image, change, confidence, self-esteem

Posted by Paul on April 17

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/04/17/how-to-manage-perceptions-of-limited-scope/

Using Rituals to Create Lasting Change

welcome-new-light

I recently worked with a client that talked about how rituals are important to him. This initially struck me as unusual because that word isn’t used very often. As he went deeper into his story, I started seeing how his rituals were, indeed, of great benefit and began exploring how I could introduce this concept to others.

Once you’ve achieved a mindset that will allow you to pursue a lasting change, whether it be related to health, career, relationships or finances, you’ll still need to successfully adopt your new behaviors and that will take time. Two common methods of reinforcing the desired behaviors include environmental control and conditioning. In the first, you ensure the environment you’re in supports your desired change. For example, if you’re trying to quit smoking, you no longer use the exit that goes right past where you used to hang out when you were a smoker. In conditioning, you simply exchange an unwanted behavior for a better one. For example, taking a drink of water when you’re about to grab an unhealthy snack. Looking at just these two examples, it would appear that rituals have really been used as part of behavior change for years; we just never used that word.

I like the idea of creating formal rituals to be used throughout the day. These can be used to set the framework for achieving goals, to keep things in perspective and to cement your intentions into memory and behavior. Let’s say you’re in a sales position and you hate making sales calls. You have a set monthly goal but you haven’t been making your numbers. What if you created a ritual that supported these goals? You get in the office and make yourself a cup of your favorite tea, take it back to your office and close the door. Next, you take a few minutes to just breathe. Maybe you have an inspirational picture or quote you can ponder. Now, you pick up the phone and work through your contact list for the day. You do this first thing and do nothing else until you’re done. Over time, this ritual simply becomes habit. You become more efficient and effective at making calls and meeting your numbers.

You can develop a ritual to support any change you want to make. Design it so that it has sensory elements that are important to you and pleasing. The more pleasant you make the action, the more likely you are to adopt it as a lasting behavior. Make it as intricate as you like; just make it your own.

What areas of your life could be positively impacted by creating your own ritual?

Photo credit: AlicePopkorn / Foter.com / CC BY

Leave a comment
by Paul on April 10  •  Permalink
Posted in change, weight loss
Tagged ,

Posted by Paul on April 10

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/04/10/using-rituals-to-create-lasting-change/

How to Approach Mid-life Rediscovery

ID-10033333

I work with a lot of people, mainly men, that are in or nearing those years that we sometimes call “middle age.” Our society still places a stigma on age through a stereotype that older means less energy and creativity. Sometimes, people will go out of their way to restore or regain their virility, worth, liveliness and energy. This is sometimes given the derogatory label of a “mid-life crisis.” It’s not a “mid-life crisis;” you’re simply rediscovering yourself!

Let’s say you’re in these “mid-years” and think “That’s it, I can’t take this anymore. I’m doing something about this.” A common roadblock at that point is often a strong sense of guilt. At this age, you likely have a number of responsibilities; family, career (maybe more than one) and social commitments. I’ve worked with quite a few people that felt they simply couldn’t take the time to get some exercise, learn to eat right or spend time on creative pursuits because too many people are depending on them and they simply don’t have the time to do something for themselves.

Let’s highlight a phrase here: other people are depending on you! If you’re not at your best, you’re hurting more than yourself. You’re likely robbing the people you truly care about from being with the best version of you that you have to offer.

From a biological standpoint, there’s nothing that says we have to decline substantially physically as we age. Most of the change I see is all mental. As people get older, they can start to lose confidence in their ability to be fit, healthy and happy. They lose their edge. If they have health issues, they get trapped in a spiral of despair and worry instead of taking control of their health and doing what’s needed to restore the healthy life they deserve. Is it easy to turn that ship around? No. But you have a choice (you ALWAYS have a choice) you can either live the rest of your life unhealthy and unfulfilled or you can make the choice to live the life you were meant to live. And most likely the one that the world needs you to live.

If you make that move to restore your gusto, do it knowing you have the right to be healthy, happy and vibrant. Just hit 50 and you want to start a rock-band because it’s what you’ve always dreamed? Awesome! If you’re in your 60s and lifting weights, good for you! Nearing 70 and just starting yoga? Very cool! Never look at these opportunities to rediscover yourself as some sort of “crisis” and never feel guilty. This is your life to live….and you still have plenty of years to rock!

Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Leave a comment
by Paul on April 3  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, fitness, relationships, self-esteem, weight loss
Tagged

Posted by Paul on April 3

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/04/03/how-to-approach-mid-life-rediscovery/

What if you had to lose a few inches to keep your job?

40-290-notch-6

Getting in shape, improving your diet and regaining your health can be tough. Like any other change, you have to want it for it to happen.

Everyone goes through the same cycle: you first realize you need to make a change, you decide to make the change, you create a plan of action and then you get working on that plan. All too often, people simply never make it to that last step. The main culprit, often cloaked in “it’s too hard,” is really “I’m too scared.” People are afraid of failure not realizing that failure is a natural part of the process. It just takes some determination and grit to pick yourself back up and keep going. I often use the analogy of learning to ride a bike as a child. You fall a few times but you’re so excited to be learning to ride and you have such strong visions of riding off with your friends and having fun that you just keep getting back up; skinned legs and all. The process of weight-loss really isn’t any different but it often makes people shut down and give up hope.

Yesterday, I read an article about an Airforce Colonel that threw away his military career instead of losing two inches. Now, there may be more to the story, but this really struck me. To meet the minimum requirement, he had to drop his waist size by two inches. It varies by individual but, for me, that would have been about 12 pounds. I’m assuming the colonel knew the requirements and was likely aware of his upcoming fitness test. He couldn’t find it within himself to prepare and shed a few pounds? Was the choice to do so that threatening that he preferred to simply step down?

It’s scary but if you really want to take control of your life and create a healthy lifestyle then know that you can do it. Like learning to ride a bike, you just need to have a clear picture of your goal. Break it down to smaller goals if you have a long way to go. One technique I use with my coaching clients is called dialoguing. I walk them through the process of clearly visualizing their new, healthy self then we have a conversation that takes place six months in the future. We talk about how they got to their goal, how their life has changed and where they’re going next. I’ve seen this exercise completely change the mindset of people that just couldn’t quite get into full action mode. It gives them that vision they need to get back on the bike.

If you look in the mirror and feel like you need to make a change then move forward with the confidence knowing it’s completely within your power. If you really want it, it’s yours!

Photo credit: bark / Foter.com / CC BY

Leave a comment
by Paul on March 27  •  Permalink
Posted in body image, change, confidence, fitness, weight loss
Tagged , ,

Posted by Paul on March 27

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/03/27/what-if-you-had-to-lose-a-few-inches-to-keep-your-job/

Lack of Commitment

swallowed-in-the-sea

I work with some really driven people. They have thriving businesses, they are successful in many areas of their life and will often tell you how committed they are to their customers, innovation, their employees, etc. Why then is it so difficult to show this same level of commitment to themselves when it comes to their own health?

For a number of my clients, there is usually a diminished sense of confidence. Even when they say they are committed to doing something for themselves, the idea of failure in that task paralyzes them. They’d rather not try than try and fail. These are the clients that often reply back that they are “lazy” or “just forgot” when we explore their level of commitment. But confidence is definitely not an issue for my group of driven clients. It’s their confidence that has gotten them to where they are today. They are competent and ready to move forward. Why are they stuck?

I think a picture is starting to form for me. There’s a very fine distinction between being confident and having a high level of self-worth. You can know that you’re good at something and can make things happen but not believe you are worthy of the outcome. Many successful business owners might say they work so hard because of their employees or their customers or their family. How many will say they have attained their success because they deserve it?

Getting fit and healthy requires time. I think some of my driven clients have developed a sense of guilt in taking any time for themselves because they have a deep commitment to make things happen for others. However, if their health should fail, they can’t live up to those commitments. Not to mention they’ve robbed themselves of the healthy lifestyle they do deserve. Pointing out the disparity of their attention and the potential risk of not caring for themselves sometimes has enough of a logical impact to move them towards action.

For a more lasting change, it takes affirmation of worth and frequent positive reinforcement. It took a number of sessions with one client using various coaching techniques before I heard them say “You know what? I get it now! I really do want and deserve to be healthy! What have I been doing to myself all these years?!” After this realization and shift in perception, they really were ready to stick to the commitments they made for their own health.

What’s holding you back from getting fit and healthy? Is it a fear of failure or the belief that you don’t (yet) deserve it?

Photo credit: KellyB. / Foter.com / CC BY

Leave a comment
by Paul on March 20  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, self-esteem

Posted by Paul on March 20

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/03/20/lack-of-commitment/

Choose Well and Just Keep Going

IF

My wife came home from her yoga class the other day and she was really excited.

Wife: “I did really well in class today!”
Me: “Really, what’d you do?”
Wife: “I was doing baddha konasana [bound angle pose] and I went to my usual spot and stopped. Then something told me to ‘just keep going’ and I did!”

My first thought was, wow, it really is that simple. What if we did the same more often in our lives? What if, every time we reached some self-imposed limitation, we simply “just keep going?”

Think of how often we create our own barriers in our careers, relationships and personal care. You’re not going for that promotion because “you’re not smart enough.” You’ve stopped looking for the right person because “you’re not attractive enough.” You just aren’t getting to the gym because “you’re too tired.” Motivation, determination and will-power are great—if you have them. The “something” that we all can use to move forward, and you’ve heard me say this before, is choice.

We’re choosing machines. Our lives are full of choices, big and small. We can fairly easily decide what to wear each day, what we want for lunch and whether to watch TV or read a book in the evening. These are easy choices because there’s little risk. What makes some choices really difficult is fear. Fear of failure and disappointment.

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

Our fears of failure and disappointment originate from some twisted reality we’ve created in our mind. Let’s take the gym thing as an example. Quite often when working with clients, together we uncover that the “I’m too tired to go to the gym” is really “I’m afraid to go to the gym because everyone is looking at me and I’ll be embarrassed.”

False Evidence #1- What’s the likelihood that everybody really is looking at you? What’s their purpose for being at the gym?
False Evidence #2- Whose choice is it to be embarrassed?
False Evidence #3- OK, what if everyone was looking at you and you did feel embarrassed? What choices do you still have?

It’s that third one that really instills the fear. Many people feel they wouldn’t have the fortitude to stick it out and they’d chalk it up as one big failure on their part.

It always comes down to choice. Are you going to stop at your usual spot or just keep going?

Photo credit: zen / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA

1 Comment
by Paul on March 13  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, fitness, relationships, weight loss

Posted by Paul on March 13

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/03/13/choose-well-and-just-keep-going/

Overcoming Stress with Gratitude

6657577359_19840b2d83_b

When you’re grateful, you’re showing a thankful acceptance of what you have instead of pining for what you want. Gratitude inevitably fosters happiness. Over the past few weeks, I think I may have discovered exactly how this works. When you’re truly grateful, there simply isn’t room left for any negative thoughts. I’ve been experimenting with the use of gratitude to counter typically stressful situations and it’s proving to be really effective. A few of my recent trials might give you some ideas on how you can bring some extra gratitude into your life.

I was recently paying bills. Instead of thinking about the “cost” of things, I took a few minutes to think about what each bill really represented. Holding the gas bill, I thought “I’m really lucky that I have a nice home. This was a cold winter but it was always nice and toasty inside. There are a lot of people on the streets without a roof over their head.” I happily paid that bill!

I was at the gym the other day and trying a new lift. My performance wasn’t living up to my expectations for myself. I stopped a second and thought “I’m here working out instead of sitting on the couch. I’m a middle-aged guy but I’m in good shape and my health lets me do things that others can’t.” I shut down that gremlin and enjoyed the rest of my workout.

A few days ago, I finished our taxes. (You’ll need to put your politics aside for a few seconds on this one.) Everyone gets a little antsy when they see that final dollar amount being sent to the government. I thought about all the good that money does though; we’re protected, educated, fed and cared for in our old age. We have roads to drive on, safe food and people working for the general good. I felt I was getting my money’s worth.

Yesterday, I was at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned. As the hygienist was poking and prodding, I was thinking “I’m glad she’s good at her job. I’m lucky that I can go to a dentist office where they’re so skilled yet affordable. In a few minutes, my teeth are going to be shiny and clean again.” Before I knew it, she was done and the typical dentist chair uneasiness never popped up.

These are just a few examples of how the simple act of being grateful can lessen stress or other negative feelings. So, the next time the dog eats your shoe, be thankful you had the extra shoe sitting around. When the paper boy leaves the paper in the wrong spot, be thankful you live in a place where you’re educated and have open access to information. When the waitress accidentally brings the wrong meal, think about how you have the luxury of being served. Be grateful for every little thing you have and you won’t have much time for anything negative.

Photo credit: Joe Fakih Gomez / Foter.com / CC BY-ND

Leave a comment
by Paul on March 6  •  Permalink
Posted in change

Posted by Paul on March 6

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/03/06/overcoming-stress-with-gratitude/

Broadening Your Horizons

7242121564_cecf9e1f63_b

Our lives revolve around five basic areas: career, relationships, financial issues, physical health, and community participation. When someone enters a coaching partnership with me, they typically have one specific area on which they want to focus. As we work together and my client starts to move forward in one area, they start to realize their own strengths and progress in the other areas too. This leads to an overall increase in their sense of well-being.

I do occasionally have clients that come to me for the specific reason of NOT being able to move forward in other areas of their life. These individuals have put so much time into successfully improving one part of their life that they have lost sight of what’s going on in other areas. They’re stuck and they need some clarity on broadening their focus to move forward in all aspects of their life.

Maybe you’ve been pulling yourself out of debt by working double-shifts and have been eating poorly. Or you’re the parent so consumed by raising their child that you haven’t talked to your spouse or partner in days. One of the most common scenarios is when someone has a health issue; trying to reach a comfortable weight for example. All of their energy goes towards monitoring their diet and getting plenty of exercise. This intense focus can last weeks or even months. When they reach their goal, they may realize that they let some relationships slip. All of these individuals find themselves in a position where they need to change directions and they need some support in turning from their well travelled road onto an unmarked one.

So, how can you make that turn yourself? You first need to realize why the new direction is important to you. Envision your life with the added clarity and all it will provide you. Next, make the commitment to change. Knowing something is lagging isn’t the same as making the commitment to move forward. Finally, get moving! Find at least one action you can take today to start making progress and get it done. In short, get in the driver’s seat, take control of the wheel and step on the gas!

Sometimes people have a hard time finding the accelerator. One tactic that seems to be helpful is pushing yourself to try something new. Start doing things that the “old you” would never have thought possible and you get bonus points if there’s a little bit of a risk. Have you always wanted to zip-line but couldn’t because of your weight? Get out there and do it now; and take a friend. Want to make new friends? Join a social group. Want to be more involved with the kids? Volunteer at their school.

“But I don’t have the time.” Yes, you do. Remember that you always have choices. I have yet to work with someone that, once they got creative and looked at their options, couldn’t find the time to do something for themselves. You’ve already proven your strength and ability to progress in one area so what’s stopping you now?

You’re complex and there’s a lot that adds up to make the complete you. Be authentic, real and completely fulfilled by developing your uniqueness. The world needs the best version of you that you can offer!

Photo credit: MYANIC / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

4 Comments
by Paul on February 27  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, relationships, self-esteem

Posted by Paul on February 27

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/02/27/broadening-your-horizons/

Your Beliefs and Perceptions Create Your Life

496721450_7a473ded78_b

Therefore, you can change your life by changing your beliefs or perceptions.

First, I might need to clarify my definition of beliefs and perceptions and how I see them to be slightly different. A belief is something you hold to be true. It may or may not be accurate, but it’s part of your programming. The way you perceive something is how you interpret something occurring external to you. It’s the input you run through your programming. You may hold an accurate belief but misperceive something or you can perceive something accurately but your beliefs have a negative impact on that perception.

Your belief system and how you perceive a situation work together to impact your thoughts and feelings. Here’s an example. You hold the belief that “I’m a terrible public speaker.” Your boss asks you to talk in front of a group and you immediately get nervous. You heard something in your boss’ voice and start to think “She wants me to fail. She’s out to get me.” You start thinking about how badly this will go.

Your thoughts and feelings influence your behavior. So, you finally get up in front of the group. By this time, your thoughts have created a whirlwind of tension. You forget what you want to say and you stumble a lot. You’re so worked up that you drop your notes and, of course, you forgot to number them!

Your behavior drives how others see you and creates your life for you. Your performance was mediocre and the feedback from the audience reinforces your original thought that you’re not a good speaker. Your boss is disappointed. She really thought you were management material but now she has second thoughts about giving you that promotion. Your performance impacts how others relate to you. This, in turn, gets reflected back to you. You reinforce your beliefs and perceptions and the cycle continues, creating your life around you.

Now, what if you hadn’t misread your boss’ motives and had gone in with the belief that “I know what I’m talking about and I know there’s at least one person that’s going to find what I have to say interesting or valuable. I have a chance to connect with at least one person here.” See the difference?

I was talking with another coach recently and he brought up a Cherokee parable that reinforces this topic.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

So, which wolf are you feeding? How can you change your beliefs or the way you perceive the world to create a better life for yourself?

Photo credit: CarbonNYC / Foter.com / CC BY

2 Comments
by Paul on February 20  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, self-esteem

Posted by Paul on February 20

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/02/20/your-beliefs-and-perceptions-create-your-life/

« Older Posts
Newer Posts »