I work with some really driven people. They have thriving businesses, they are successful in many areas of their life and will often tell you how committed they are to their customers, innovation, their employees, etc. Why then is it so difficult to show this same level of commitment to themselves when it comes to their own health?

For a number of my clients, there is usually a diminished sense of confidence. Even when they say they are committed to doing something for themselves, the idea of failure in that task paralyzes them. They’d rather not try than try and fail. These are the clients that often reply back that they are “lazy” or “just forgot” when we explore their level of commitment. But confidence is definitely not an issue for my group of driven clients. It’s their confidence that has gotten them to where they are today. They are competent and ready to move forward. Why are they stuck?

I think a picture is starting to form for me. There’s a very fine distinction between being confident and having a high level of self-worth. You can know that you’re good at something and can make things happen but not believe you are worthy of the outcome. Many successful business owners might say they work so hard because of their employees or their customers or their family. How many will say they have attained their success because they deserve it?

Getting fit and healthy requires time. I think some of my driven clients have developed a sense of guilt in taking any time for themselves because they have a deep commitment to make things happen for others. However, if their health should fail, they can’t live up to those commitments. Not to mention they’ve robbed themselves of the healthy lifestyle they do deserve. Pointing out the disparity of their attention and the potential risk of not caring for themselves sometimes has enough of a logical impact to move them towards action.

For a more lasting change, it takes affirmation of worth and frequent positive reinforcement. It took a number of sessions with one client using various coaching techniques before I heard them say “You know what? I get it now! I really do want and deserve to be healthy! What have I been doing to myself all these years?!” After this realization and shift in perception, they really were ready to stick to the commitments they made for their own health.

What’s holding you back from getting fit and healthy? Is it a fear of failure or the belief that you don’t (yet) deserve it?

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Therefore, you can change your life by changing your beliefs or perceptions.

First, I might need to clarify my definition of beliefs and perceptions and how I see them to be slightly different. A belief is something you hold to be true. It may or may not be accurate, but it’s part of your programming. The way you perceive something is how you interpret something occurring external to you. It’s the input you run through your programming. You may hold an accurate belief but misperceive something or you can perceive something accurately but your beliefs have a negative impact on that perception.

Your belief system and how you perceive a situation work together to impact your thoughts and feelings. Here’s an example. You hold the belief that “I’m a terrible public speaker.” Your boss asks you to talk in front of a group and you immediately get nervous. You heard something in your boss’ voice and start to think “She wants me to fail. She’s out to get me.” You start thinking about how badly this will go.

Your thoughts and feelings influence your behavior. So, you finally get up in front of the group. By this time, your thoughts have created a whirlwind of tension. You forget what you want to say and you stumble a lot. You’re so worked up that you drop your notes and, of course, you forgot to number them!

Your behavior drives how others see you and creates your life for you. Your performance was mediocre and the feedback from the audience reinforces your original thought that you’re not a good speaker. Your boss is disappointed. She really thought you were management material but now she has second thoughts about giving you that promotion. Your performance impacts how others relate to you. This, in turn, gets reflected back to you. You reinforce your beliefs and perceptions and the cycle continues, creating your life around you.

Now, what if you hadn’t misread your boss’ motives and had gone in with the belief that “I know what I’m talking about and I know there’s at least one person that’s going to find what I have to say interesting or valuable. I have a chance to connect with at least one person here.” See the difference?

I was talking with another coach recently and he brought up a Cherokee parable that reinforces this topic.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

So, which wolf are you feeding? How can you change your beliefs or the way you perceive the world to create a better life for yourself?

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We all seek “happiness.” It means something different for everyone. For some, it comes from a material place; you have everything you want. For others, it’s emotional with all of your needs being met. Some believe that being happy is our main goal in life, however, there’s more to life than “happiness.”

In his book Flourish, Dr. Martin Seligman discusses how the field of positive psychology has moved beyond the idea of happiness being the ultimate measurement of a satisfied life. Someone that is happy has positive emotions, are engaged and their life has meaning and purpose. A truly flourishing individual, however, also needs to exhibit at least three of the traits that indicate well-being: self-esteem, optimism, resilience, vitality, self-determination and positive relationships.

In my coaching business, I use Gallup’s WELLBEING assessment. This assessment looks at whether you’re thriving or merely surviving in five different areas: your career, social engagements, financial and health situations and community involvement. The individual qualities identified by Dr. Seligman can come into play in each of these areas. For example, many of my clients have less than thriving scores in the realms of finance and health; usually directly related to low self-esteem and optimism and a sense that they have lost the ability to determine their future. Once we uncover some new options and they start moving forward in their life by making some choices (and sometimes taking some risks) their scores start to improve.

So, what can do on your own to foster a higher sense of well-being and move towards flourishing? It comes down to the core of what coaching offers and this really isn’t any secret; you need to change the way you see the world. You’ve read this in some of my other posts and have likely seen it elsewhere: the way you perceive the world directly impacts your thoughts and emotions and those drive your behavior. If you don’t like your actions or thoughts, you need to change the way you see things. Here’s an example, you’re miserable at work. You feel like there’s no place to go, you’re not appreciated and the work is mind-numbing. This would likely reflect in your performance at work. Instead of feeling like you have no power of self-determination, look at your options. You can find a new job, start improving your skills to switch careers or, even better yet, look at your perceptions around THIS job and see if you can create something new for yourself. You always have choices; sometimes it just takes some reflection to see them clearly. As a bonus, once you start to take control of your life, your optimism and self-esteem will increase too.

If you’re curious where you stand on things like optimism, resilience and relationships, the University of Pennsylvania offers a few free assessments you can take in the form of short questionnaires. Also, if you’re interested in trying the WELLBEING assessment, you can purchase a copy here. I’d also enjoy the opportunity to talk through your results with you. You can block out some time on my calendar for a no-cost session just as a chance to get to know each other.

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