If it’s not clear from the word, your self-esteem originates from within, not from others. Accordingly, it isn’t anyone’s right to take it away from you. But we let it happen.

If you’ve been overweight for a portion of your life, it’s likely that your self-esteem has taken a hit. From personal experience, I think the impact is greater if that period included your childhood or teen years; but then again, kids are resilient. The feelings of being unworthy have built up because we allowed the negative talk of others (I call them esteem rollers) to create a mental picture that we’re not whole or complete. Our need to belong has been thwarted.

Changing our outside by getting in shape doesn’t magically fix the internal wiring. You may notice that you still have a difficult time taking a compliment; it sounds contrived or forced. Or maybe you go fishing for compliments? These are just two signs that you may still be entertaining those negative thoughts.

The concept of self-esteem and the psychology behind it is pretty deep. Numerous researchers have spent their lives documenting their findings. I’ve done a fair amount of reading on the topic and have helped a number of individuals examine their perceptions. Below are just a few things I’ve learned that help rebuild self-esteem.

Don’t Compare Yourself to Others

There will always be someone that’s thinner, stronger, faster, richer, smarter…. Don’t drive yourself crazy by pining for what you don’t have. Instead, be grateful for what you do have.

Practice Positive Self-talk

Like, love and respect yourself. It’s that simple.

Don’t Look for Acceptance from Others

You can’t look for your self-worth to originate from the approval of others. You do need to be self-accepting. I’m not saying to give up on becoming the best version of you possible; you just need to acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses and own them.

Focus on What Makes You Special

Revel in your difference; it will likely be what draws others to you.

Surround Yourself with Supportive People

Create a support network of people you trust and that appreciate the authentic you without judgement. This will give you the true sense of belonging we all desire.

Take Care of Yourself

Eat right, exercise, and do what’s right for you.

Discover your Life’s Purpose and Make it Happen

This last one is probably the most difficult. For some reason, people have a hard time contemplating the fact that there’s likely a specific purpose for them. Something they are uniquely designed to contribute to this world. It takes a lot of introspection, but finding that purpose and pursuing it seems to be the vitamin B-12 for self-worth.

Regardless of where you’re at in life or what events may have caused the negative images that degraded your self-esteem, know that it’s completely in your power to recharge it. After all, it belongs to you.

Photo credit: dan taylor / Foter / CC BY

“I have the body of a god…Buddha”

“It’s a washboard stomach…just with a full load of laundry.”

“I’m really in shape. Round is a shape, right?”

Some use humor to deal with uncomfortable situations. It’s not a bad mechanism. Self deprecating humor can, however, get you trapped into a really negative mindset. We use these jokes for different reasons. If we make people laugh, that means they like us, right? Or maybe we think if we beat people to the punchline, the joke will be less painful? Be honest with yourself…are these really the case?

You see, we create our own reality. If we think we’re a joke, then we project ourself as the same. That impacts how others treat us, creating a vicious circle. If you talked about your friends the way you talk about yourself, how many friends would you have? It comes down to respect. You deserve it, you want it from others so you need to show it to yourself.

This negative self-talk is just like any other bad habit you’ve ever addressed. First, you need to become aware of it. Notice when, where and how often you make yourself the subject of your stand-up routines. Next, replace it with a positive behavior. Instead of jokes, try honesty. (Ah, that can be scary!) How about something like “Yeah, I’ve struggled with my weight for years. I have a few more pounds to lose, but I’ve successfully lost x pounds in the past few months. I feel pretty good about that!” I think you’ll be surprised at the effect. You’ve provided an affirmation to yourself, you’ve shown trust and honesty towards someone else (what a great gift to them for which they’ll remember you) and just maybe you provided some inspiration to someone that is contemplating a change of their own. Isn’t this worth more than a few laughs?

I’d be curious to hear back from any of you that have successfully turned away from your own joke cloak.

Photo by Flickr user Tom Goskar (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

In a prior post, I talked about how some guys get trapped in a fat-suit mentality. Even after having lost weight and getting in shape, you can still “feel fat.” To be really successful maintaining the new, fit you, you’ll need to modify some perceptions and activate changes that will increase your confidence and overall well-being. Some guys can do this on their own with the support of friends or family. Others want objectivity, structure and accountability—so they hire a coach.

Think of a coach as a personal trainer for your life; they help you flex some new mental muscles and motivate you when you need it. People that work with a personal trainer want to get more out of their time at the gym and see real results. Investing in a coach gets you similar progress in building your confidence and self-esteem.

Coaching isn’t therapy nor is a coach there to solve your problems. Instead, a coach builds a partnership with you to help you grow and use your inherent abilities to reach your full potential. A coach listens, asks questions, opens possibilities and holds you accountable. A coach is a navigator that helps you along the course you’ve charted for your life.

Some common topics of coaching sessions include:

• Confidence to end the fear of gaining weight back
• Increased self-esteem allowing you to take (or stop fishing for) compliments
• Accepting, enjoying and getting the most out of your new healthy body
• No longer feeling awkward at the gym
• Broadening your focus to move forward in all aspects of your life
• Leaving the “old you” behind

These are just some examples. There are a bunch of roads ahead of you just waiting to be explored! Now, everyone comes to the coaching experience with their own needs and goals. You can expect:

• Clearer vision of where you want your life to go
• Exposure to different directions or ways to get there
• Help getting out of ruts
• Forward motion and progress towards your destination

The coaching experience isn’t right for everyone. Frankly, some people just aren’t “coachable.” Those that seek out ways to improve themselves and want to really get their life moving forward are the best candidates. If you’re interested in seeing if you’re “coachable,” send me an email. You might be surprised by where you’ll go and how fast you’ll get there!

Image courtesy of KROMKRATHOG at FreeDigitalPhotos.net