How do you help someone not ready for help?

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Dealing with a physical ailment or limitation can be really difficult. Some people quickly get an “I’m going to kick this!” attitude and they’re very easy to help. You provide them emotional support and hold up and celebrate their successes. Working with them to create a vision of a healthy future creates that positive mindset needed to power through tough times. Not to mention the impact that has on the mind-body connection and the body’s ability to repair itself.

Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t start out with a great attitude. There are several stages we all go through when we’re trying to make a change to our lifestyle. Once someone realizes they have to do something (lose weight, quit smoking, exercise or finally start a course of treatment) they often get stuck. Stage 2 of behavioral change is contemplation; they acknowledge that change needs to occur and they think about solving it but there is no commitment. Many get stuck here in the “I will someday” mindset. They are waiting for absolute certainty or a “magic bullet” to ensure success. They’re simply afraid to try anything because of the possibility of failure or disappointment.

The only way you can help at this point is to help them see all of their options and to create a vision of a healthy future. You want them to have so many images of success available that the idea of failure is minimized. You can also establish a helping relationship. Let them know you’ll be there when they decide to move forward. Pushing someone at this stage, before they’re ready to commit to action, will almost ensure failure and could even damage your relationship.

If you know someone in this position, don’t push. The idea of “tough love” sometimes comes to mind but this isn’t the point to muscle someone into change. (Sometimes taking a hard stance will be useful once they’ve made up their mind to act and they need energy or encouragement to follow through on their plan.) Instead, just be there for that person and talk—a lot. Talk about what they hope for themselves, what are all of the options they could be trying, what are the advantages of trying and what are the minuscule risks to trying. Once they see they have options and have control over their course of action, then they might be ready to make some plans.

Photo credit: Hilary Sian / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

What to do When you Step on Your Values

Photo on 10-15-13 at 8_Fotor

“What do you do for fun?” Sounds like a simple enough question, right? Well, someone asked me this question in a casual conversation and I have to admit that I missed a few beats. I just supplied a pretty generic answer of a few hobbies and interests. I think I was trying to censor my answer so I didn’t sound frivolous or too playful. In actuality, everything I do is fun. If something isn’t fun, it’s really not worth doing in my book. I was feeling a little “off” after that chat so I knew I wasn’t being 100% my genuine self. I had probably stepped on one or more of my core values.

So, it’s time for some self-coaching. You can just relax and “listen.”

Q: What prevented me from answering more openly?
A: Of course, fear. (False Evidence Appearing Real) I was afraid of how someone might interpret my answer.

Q: Do I know for a fact that it would have been misinterpreted?
A: No, of course not.

Q: What might have been gained by being completely nonjudgmental of my own answer?
A: The person hearing my answer might have appreciated it. Maybe they could even relate and it could have been the opening for deeper conversation.

Q: How were you not true to your values?
A: Looking back, this is such a facepalm that I’m embarrassed but still willing to share. From a number of values assessments (and simply knowing myself) two of my core values are honesty and humor. While I was not in any way dishonest, I’m typically more of an open book. I wasn’t as open in this case. Humor is also a huge part of my personality so I missed an opportunity to share with someone how much I value fun, humor, creativity and play. This was definitely a lost opportunity.

Q: How will you recognize and rectify this possible values conflict going forward?
A: Writing things down (which I’m doing here) really helps. Sometimes seeing your thought process spelled out makes patterns more clear.  These could easily be overlooked or purposely ignored but, on paper, they’re too concrete to not be recognized. To rectify this conflict, I’m definitely going to be more aware of my inner critic and be more open about my fun-loving nature. (At times, I can be wacky, goofy and impish.) I’m also going to seek out this individual at the next opportunity and try to connect more openly.

How often do you find yourself in conflict with your core values? How do you deal with the conflict? You can follow the simple exercise I completed above: write your thoughts down, reflect as to how you were in conflict, consider more genuine alternatives and make a plan for future actions.

5 Ways to Spark Creativity

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Whether you’re an artist or a plumber, creativity is important. Sparks of inspiration allow us to innovate and find solutions to problems. Often, we get stuck in creative ruts where it seems like new ideas simply won’t flow. If you find yourself out of fresh ideas, try some of these creativity boosting activities.

Play
Think back to when you were a child. What gave you joy? Duplicating the feeling of effortless imagination you had as a child can open some new avenues. Play a strategy game, draw a picture or work on a puzzle. You might even consider working your problem into a game you play with a child. You’d be surprised by the insight they can provide!

Move
Get up and get moving. If you’ve been mulling over a problem for a long time, take a break. Go for a walk, get some exercise or simply run an errand. Anything that changes the scenery and gets your muscles involved will help.

Sleep
A lot of mental processing happens when we’re asleep. If you’re really stuck, get a good night’s rest or take a nap. You may have a new perspective when you awake.

Write
You can brainstorm with yourself by simply writing things down. Start jotting down thoughts without filtering them. Allow your mind to wander and simply write down anything that comes to mind. Don’t worry whether the thoughts are cohesive or make sense. They have a way of naturally coming together in the end.

Meditate
Sit quietly for a while and try to empty your mind. You’ll make room for the inspired thoughts trying to make their way in.

What are some of your tricks for awakening your creativity?

Photo credit: macca / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

So, tell me the truth…

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Each week in my coaching groups, I offer up a theme for self-exploration. These Road Trips provide a few short exercises to be carried out through the week and help people focus on different aspects of their thoughts and perceptions. This week, we’re talking about Truth. (I also place a copy of the exercise on my Facebook page.)

There are sketchy characters out there but I believe the vast majority of people are generally truthful and trustworthy. These same people are often very good about not being truthful to themselves however. Whether it’s listening to the self-defeating voice that wants you to feel shame or succumbing to fear, (false evidence appearing real) we create a lot of untruths about ourselves and allow them to drive our lives.

So how do you know when you’re lying to yourself? If it’s a “big one” you’ll likely be struck with a thought of “What am I doing? This isn’t me!” Those are easy to catch. The subtle lies are more difficult because you’ve probably been living with them for years. The simplest way to recognize these lies is by how your thoughts or actions make you feel. It’s absolutely impossible to lie to yourself and feel good about it. When you’re being true to yourself and genuine, you’re in your zone and you feel confident and content. When you feel fear, self loathing, sadness, anger, frustration or anxiety, it’s time to reflect and discover what lies you’re telling yourself. Then, tell yourself the truth.

This week, be aware of times when you’re not being yourself to please someone else. Strive to be more genuine. How close is your life to the one you know you were meant to live? How can you start heading in the right direction?

Photo credit: markheybo / Foter / CC BY

How Well Do You Bounce Back?

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How resilient are you? That is, how quickly do you bounce back after life sends you a curve ball…and it hits you in the face.

People that are resilient handle disappointment and set-backs well. Instead of allowing circumstances to define their life or who they are and set the tone for the future, they acknowledge them as a normal part of life. If they’re really good, they learn from these events. Exceptionally resilient people see adversity as opportunities for adventure and growth.

If you tend to think of failures as the norm for your life and engage in a lot of negative self talk when things don’t go your way, then you probably need to build up your resilience a bit. This allows you to better cope with the inevitable unpleasant events that occur from time to time.

First, notice the negative self talk and question its validity. When you think things like: “This always happens to me,” “I was so stupid, this is all my fault” or “I can’t do anything right”—just stop. Are these thoughts factual? No! This is your inner gremlin taking advantage of the situation to feed off shame and guilt. Don’t give it the satisfaction. Instead, think about what you can learn from the circumstances and use the opportunity to grow stronger.

Next time you feel yourself sliding into this trap, grab a piece of paper or your journal. Write down what has just happened. Next, list everything that can be learned from the situation. Now, make an action list for moving forward. What “learning moments” can be acted upon? What decisions can you make now to either correct the issue or prevent a similar event in the future? Finally, rewrite what happened in a more positive light given the insight you now have. Forgetting to make the house payment (again) and thinking you’re stupid and unorganized may now be “I’ve learned that my current bill payment system doesn’t work. My mortgage is important so I’m going to put auto payment in place.” (A simple example but you get the idea.)

Know that all situations are temporary. Life is fluid and we have control of its direction over the course of time through the decisions we make. If something unfortunate happens, it’s really just a bump in the road. Don’t let it throw you off course. Or worse, into a ditch.

Photo credit: Bowman! / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

How often do you tell yourself what to believe?

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The answer to the title question is “all the time.” In fact, just about every second of your waking (and some would argue sleeping) life. Every thought you have and every word you utter reinforces your beliefs. Unfortunately, people don’t use this power for good often enough.

Let’s rephrase the question: How often do you tell yourself to believe good things about yourself and the world around you? When you have a success, do you think (or even say out loud) “dang, I rock!” or do you think “Not bad, but I really could have done that better.” Do you have any phrases you say regularly to keep focused on a goal or to set your attitude? Some call these affirmations or mantras (or MAN-tras for the gentlemen as coined by fellow coach KishaLynn Elliott.) I’ve modified and adopted one popular saying as my own. I changed “Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen.” to “Always know that something wonderful is happening.” I find the subtle difference more solid and assuring that great things are happening now and always as opposed to some time in the future. What we say out loud and what we think about ourself sculpts our beliefs to match.

Take a second and recall some of the thoughts that were running through your mind earlier today. Were they helpful in creating positive beliefs about yourself and your future? How could you change them to support your goals and how you want your life to evolve? Next, come up with your own quote, phrase or word that describes how you want to live your life or where you want it to go. Write it down, post it on your mirror, put it in your wallet or purse and make it your desktop image. Focus on that positive thought for a week and see how things change for you.

You have control of your thoughts so you can program your own beliefs. Make them work for you, not against you, and reach your destinations faster!

Photo credit: Lauren Lionheart / Foter / CC BY

If you’re going to go, may as well go STRONG!

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Every once in a while, I come across an individual that exemplifies taking control and moving their life forward. Brian S. is such an individual.

Following a popular weight loss program, Brian has shed 59 pounds in about a year. When asked what he thought was the most important part of the program, he said it was “food moderation.” That is, watching your portions and being aware of what you’re eating. He also mentioned it was important to plan for special occasions and parties. He uses ActiveLink to monitor his activity level both at the gym and for everyday tasks like walking the dog. Tracking both food intake and calorie expenditure is the best way to focus on weight reduction when you have more than a few pounds to lose.

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I asked Brian if he had ever considered “giving up.” “This time around, NO.” he said. But “four years ago, I think I gave up after I lost ten pounds; which was a few months. This time, I’m going STRONG after a year.” He attributed his new found success to weekly or monthly updates on social media like Facebook. The “likes” and words of encouragement were gratifying and provided the additional support and accountability that Brian needed to reach his goals. (Brian also gives credit to his leaders, Andrea and Maria.)

Brian’s progress is incredible and is something worthy of pride and admiration. Too often, we get stuck in “I can’t” or “it’s too hard” but there’s always a way to move forward towards your goals. One thing I often recommend is for individuals to think about why they want to get healthy in the first place. Imagine what it would be like to be at your ideal weight or to be rid of the cigarettes or off some of your medications because you’ve adopted a healthier diet. Accountability is also a powerful tool. Like Brian, find an individual or community that will hold you accountable. Sometimes we find it easier doing something for others than we do for just ourselves. If you think this might work for you, connect with a friend or someone you trust and tell them your goals. Ask them to give you a nudge if you get stuck or are off track. You’ll get to your goal and you will have a cheering section waiting for you at the finish line!

What goals do you have right now for which you’d like to be held accountable? Who can you ask to keep you in line?

Strength: Photo credit: dancingtarot / Foter / CC BY
Brian S. photo used with permission

Just Jump!

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Sometimes you have to take a chance and accept some risk for a potential payoff. This isn’t just true in business but in your personal life too.

Let’s say you’re looking for the perfect partner. Staying at home and wishing for the best isn’t going to magically bring that special someone around. You have to sometimes place yourself in uncomfortable situations to move your dating life forward. Maybe you’d like to advance your career but you’re stalling because of the required interview or promotion process. Or you’d like to return to school but you don’t want to be the oldest person in the class. You get the idea and you can probably think of a dozen other examples on your own. How do you get past your natural human instinct to avoid risk or danger? Just jump!

Sometimes we over-think things. That gives our brains too much time to create all of the false perceptions (FEAR-false evidence appearing real) that feed our gremlins and prevent us from making any progress. Outsmart your own brain by acting before it has a chance to think too much. Now, I’m not saying to pursue your entire life with thoughtless and reckless abandon. (Though some people do live their lives that way and it works for them.) Instead, look at the potential outcome of your decision and quickly compare it to the REAL risk. If the payoff outweighs the risk, then go for it.

Here’s a personal example. In addition to being a performance coach, I’m also a Beachbody coach. That gives me the opportunity to coach people wanting to get fit and healthy; a passion of mine. When talking with folks about my own weight loss, they often ask to see before and after photos. Honestly, I’ve been putting off putting these together. I’m not embarrassed by how I look but, instead, had built a false perception that people simply wouldn’t find them “impressive” enough. I had visions of people saying “that’s it?” After talking to some other coaches though, I realized the payoff outweighed the risk. If, by chance, the photos did provide some motivation to a single person to try and get fit then the gremlin self-doubt was worth it. I quit worrying about what others might be thinking about my photos and just began sharing them.

You likely have similar situations you’re dealing with right now. If you’re having a difficult time weighing the risk and benefit, talk with friends or someone you trust. Once you see that the risk is small or non-existent, just jump!

Photo credit: Powderruns / Foter / CC BY

How Well Are You Performing?

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I read an interesting article on LinkedIn this morning. It detailed a study where clips of classical music performance competitions were shown to people with and without the sound. More often than not, people viewing the silent clips could more easily pick the winners. The study found that “characteristics such as engagement, passion, and energy resonate most strongly — those are the factors others use to assess the quality of their performances.” That struck me as being true in our professional lives as well. If you can bring passion and energy into your work, you’ll be performing well.

Some are fortunate because they are in a position they find fulfilling, interesting and that naturally energizes them. They’re likely already performing optimally. What if you find yourself lacking some oomph? Fortunately, I know it’s possible to re-engage and create some passion and energy where it has been lacking. It’s a matter of tapping into individual strengths.

There are dozens of assessments that can pinpoint your particular strengths or they can be self reported. Regardless of how they are measured and defined, it’s readily apparent we function better when we’re playing to our strengths. We feel like we’re contributing the best we have to offer and we’re fully energized. When you’re “in the zone” you know your passions have been engaged. It’s important that managers or supervisors become aware of their employees’ strengths and strive to position them for success. Don’t try to force a highly analytical introvert into a sales position for a creative company. Instead, use them as an analyst. Likewise, you might have a gem of a client attractor buried in the finance department.

There are times when you don’t have the flexibility of moving bodies though, particularly in very small organizations. In that case, drawing out an individual’s strengths and applying them to their current role can be of value. Back to the sales position. Maybe this analytical person loves preparing the sales presentations because of the research and compilation of facts and figures that is required. They may even be excited to share this information with others because they’re proud of the work they have completed. The mechanics of effectively presenting the information can be learned through practice. Coaching and training can provide the support this person needs to grow into and flourish in their position instead of being allowed to flounder and fail.

Contributors don’t need to wait for their boss to redirect them. Think about how you can bring your unique talents to your position to make it more satisfying. Be creative. Test out new ways of doing things. Most important, look inside at your current attitude and thoughts around your work. Have you “checked out?” If so, why? Changing your perceptions around your work and bringing more of the real you into your position might give you that energy boost you’ve been wanting. Your performance will naturally improve.

Are you feeling passion and energy in your current position? How might you bring your best into your work to make it more engaging and satisfying?

Photo credit: gcoldironjr2003 / Foter / CC BY-ND

The Roadblock Called Perfection

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A good portion of my coaching is around health and wellness. There are a lot of people that know they need to regain their health but they either can’t seem to get started or they keep getting stuck shortly afterward. One of the most common roadblocks to success is perfection.

Here’s a paraphrased typical conversation I have with clients. We’ll call this one Jen.

Jen: I can’t seem to get started on any real exercise program.
Me: What do you think is stopping you?
Jen: Well, what if I start and don’t finish?
Me: Jen, who has control over whether or not you finish?
Jen: Well, I guess I do.
Me: So, what else?
Jen: What if I miss a day?
Me: How would missing a single day impact your overall success?
Jen: Not much, I guess I’d just make it up the next day. As long as I don’t make it a habit. <smirk>
Me: What else is holding you back?
Jen: Well, I’ve tried doing a video workout and I’m not as good as the people in the video.
Me: Hmmm, I wonder why they were selected to do the video. What do you think?
Jen: OK, yeah. They’re pros and I’m not. But if I’m going to do a program, I need to do it right.
Me: What do you mean by “right?”
Jen: Well, I have to be perfect!

No!! Making a positive impact on your health has nothing to do with reaching some state that someone else has defined to be “perfect.” People often find themselves in the trap of shooting for an “ideal” weight or body measurements or an unblemished record of adherence to a course of action. Change isn’t perfect. It’s messy and complicated and full of spirals and twists. When you’re working towards better health, your goal needs to be meeting personal bests and developing a healthier version of you on your own terms, using your own strengths and talents.

You’ll have forward motion but the road taken and the time to travel it will be different for everyone. Detours and roadblocks happen but you still get where you’re going. Don’t let the idea of it not being a “perfect sunday drive” prevent you from leaving the garage.

What has you stuck? What’s keeping you from creating the healthy life you deserve?

Photo credit: te.esce / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND