All posts in category confidence

How Well Do You Bounce Back?

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How resilient are you? That is, how quickly do you bounce back after life sends you a curve ball…and it hits you in the face.

People that are resilient handle disappointment and set-backs well. Instead of allowing circumstances to define their life or who they are and set the tone for the future, they acknowledge them as a normal part of life. If they’re really good, they learn from these events. Exceptionally resilient people see adversity as opportunities for adventure and growth.

If you tend to think of failures as the norm for your life and engage in a lot of negative self talk when things don’t go your way, then you probably need to build up your resilience a bit. This allows you to better cope with the inevitable unpleasant events that occur from time to time.

First, notice the negative self talk and question its validity. When you think things like: “This always happens to me,” “I was so stupid, this is all my fault” or “I can’t do anything right”—just stop. Are these thoughts factual? No! This is your inner gremlin taking advantage of the situation to feed off shame and guilt. Don’t give it the satisfaction. Instead, think about what you can learn from the circumstances and use the opportunity to grow stronger.

Next time you feel yourself sliding into this trap, grab a piece of paper or your journal. Write down what has just happened. Next, list everything that can be learned from the situation. Now, make an action list for moving forward. What “learning moments” can be acted upon? What decisions can you make now to either correct the issue or prevent a similar event in the future? Finally, rewrite what happened in a more positive light given the insight you now have. Forgetting to make the house payment (again) and thinking you’re stupid and unorganized may now be “I’ve learned that my current bill payment system doesn’t work. My mortgage is important so I’m going to put auto payment in place.” (A simple example but you get the idea.)

Know that all situations are temporary. Life is fluid and we have control of its direction over the course of time through the decisions we make. If something unfortunate happens, it’s really just a bump in the road. Don’t let it throw you off course. Or worse, into a ditch.

Photo credit: Bowman! / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

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by Paul on September 19  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, self-esteem
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Posted by Paul on September 19

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/09/19/how-well-do-you-bounce-back/

How often do you tell yourself what to believe?

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The answer to the title question is “all the time.” In fact, just about every second of your waking (and some would argue sleeping) life. Every thought you have and every word you utter reinforces your beliefs. Unfortunately, people don’t use this power for good often enough.

Let’s rephrase the question: How often do you tell yourself to believe good things about yourself and the world around you? When you have a success, do you think (or even say out loud) “dang, I rock!” or do you think “Not bad, but I really could have done that better.” Do you have any phrases you say regularly to keep focused on a goal or to set your attitude? Some call these affirmations or mantras (or MAN-tras for the gentlemen as coined by fellow coach KishaLynn Elliott.) I’ve modified and adopted one popular saying as my own. I changed “Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen.” to “Always know that something wonderful is happening.” I find the subtle difference more solid and assuring that great things are happening now and always as opposed to some time in the future. What we say out loud and what we think about ourself sculpts our beliefs to match.

Take a second and recall some of the thoughts that were running through your mind earlier today. Were they helpful in creating positive beliefs about yourself and your future? How could you change them to support your goals and how you want your life to evolve? Next, come up with your own quote, phrase or word that describes how you want to live your life or where you want it to go. Write it down, post it on your mirror, put it in your wallet or purse and make it your desktop image. Focus on that positive thought for a week and see how things change for you.

You have control of your thoughts so you can program your own beliefs. Make them work for you, not against you, and reach your destinations faster!

Photo credit: Lauren Lionheart / Foter / CC BY

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by Paul on September 11  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, self-esteem
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Posted by Paul on September 11

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/09/11/how-often-do-you-tell-yourself-what-to-believe/

Just Jump!

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Sometimes you have to take a chance and accept some risk for a potential payoff. This isn’t just true in business but in your personal life too.

Let’s say you’re looking for the perfect partner. Staying at home and wishing for the best isn’t going to magically bring that special someone around. You have to sometimes place yourself in uncomfortable situations to move your dating life forward. Maybe you’d like to advance your career but you’re stalling because of the required interview or promotion process. Or you’d like to return to school but you don’t want to be the oldest person in the class. You get the idea and you can probably think of a dozen other examples on your own. How do you get past your natural human instinct to avoid risk or danger? Just jump!

Sometimes we over-think things. That gives our brains too much time to create all of the false perceptions (FEAR-false evidence appearing real) that feed our gremlins and prevent us from making any progress. Outsmart your own brain by acting before it has a chance to think too much. Now, I’m not saying to pursue your entire life with thoughtless and reckless abandon. (Though some people do live their lives that way and it works for them.) Instead, look at the potential outcome of your decision and quickly compare it to the REAL risk. If the payoff outweighs the risk, then go for it.

Here’s a personal example. In addition to being a performance coach, I’m also a Beachbody coach. That gives me the opportunity to coach people wanting to get fit and healthy; a passion of mine. When talking with folks about my own weight loss, they often ask to see before and after photos. Honestly, I’ve been putting off putting these together. I’m not embarrassed by how I look but, instead, had built a false perception that people simply wouldn’t find them “impressive” enough. I had visions of people saying “that’s it?” After talking to some other coaches though, I realized the payoff outweighed the risk. If, by chance, the photos did provide some motivation to a single person to try and get fit then the gremlin self-doubt was worth it. I quit worrying about what others might be thinking about my photos and just began sharing them.

You likely have similar situations you’re dealing with right now. If you’re having a difficult time weighing the risk and benefit, talk with friends or someone you trust. Once you see that the risk is small or non-existent, just jump!

Photo credit: Powderruns / Foter / CC BY

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by Paul on August 28  •  Permalink
Posted in body image, change, confidence, fitness, relationships, self-esteem, weight loss
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Posted by Paul on August 28

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/08/28/just-jump/

How Well Are You Performing?

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I read an interesting article on LinkedIn this morning. It detailed a study where clips of classical music performance competitions were shown to people with and without the sound. More often than not, people viewing the silent clips could more easily pick the winners. The study found that “characteristics such as engagement, passion, and energy resonate most strongly — those are the factors others use to assess the quality of their performances.” That struck me as being true in our professional lives as well. If you can bring passion and energy into your work, you’ll be performing well.

Some are fortunate because they are in a position they find fulfilling, interesting and that naturally energizes them. They’re likely already performing optimally. What if you find yourself lacking some oomph? Fortunately, I know it’s possible to re-engage and create some passion and energy where it has been lacking. It’s a matter of tapping into individual strengths.

There are dozens of assessments that can pinpoint your particular strengths or they can be self reported. Regardless of how they are measured and defined, it’s readily apparent we function better when we’re playing to our strengths. We feel like we’re contributing the best we have to offer and we’re fully energized. When you’re “in the zone” you know your passions have been engaged. It’s important that managers or supervisors become aware of their employees’ strengths and strive to position them for success. Don’t try to force a highly analytical introvert into a sales position for a creative company. Instead, use them as an analyst. Likewise, you might have a gem of a client attractor buried in the finance department.

There are times when you don’t have the flexibility of moving bodies though, particularly in very small organizations. In that case, drawing out an individual’s strengths and applying them to their current role can be of value. Back to the sales position. Maybe this analytical person loves preparing the sales presentations because of the research and compilation of facts and figures that is required. They may even be excited to share this information with others because they’re proud of the work they have completed. The mechanics of effectively presenting the information can be learned through practice. Coaching and training can provide the support this person needs to grow into and flourish in their position instead of being allowed to flounder and fail.

Contributors don’t need to wait for their boss to redirect them. Think about how you can bring your unique talents to your position to make it more satisfying. Be creative. Test out new ways of doing things. Most important, look inside at your current attitude and thoughts around your work. Have you “checked out?” If so, why? Changing your perceptions around your work and bringing more of the real you into your position might give you that energy boost you’ve been wanting. Your performance will naturally improve.

Are you feeling passion and energy in your current position? How might you bring your best into your work to make it more engaging and satisfying?

Photo credit: gcoldironjr2003 / Foter / CC BY-ND

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by Paul on August 22  •  Permalink
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Posted by Paul on August 22

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/08/22/how-well-are-you-performing/

The Roadblock Called Perfection

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A good portion of my coaching is around health and wellness. There are a lot of people that know they need to regain their health but they either can’t seem to get started or they keep getting stuck shortly afterward. One of the most common roadblocks to success is perfection.

Here’s a paraphrased typical conversation I have with clients. We’ll call this one Jen.

Jen: I can’t seem to get started on any real exercise program.
Me: What do you think is stopping you?
Jen: Well, what if I start and don’t finish?
Me: Jen, who has control over whether or not you finish?
Jen: Well, I guess I do.
Me: So, what else?
Jen: What if I miss a day?
Me: How would missing a single day impact your overall success?
Jen: Not much, I guess I’d just make it up the next day. As long as I don’t make it a habit. <smirk>
Me: What else is holding you back?
Jen: Well, I’ve tried doing a video workout and I’m not as good as the people in the video.
Me: Hmmm, I wonder why they were selected to do the video. What do you think?
Jen: OK, yeah. They’re pros and I’m not. But if I’m going to do a program, I need to do it right.
Me: What do you mean by “right?”
Jen: Well, I have to be perfect!

No!! Making a positive impact on your health has nothing to do with reaching some state that someone else has defined to be “perfect.” People often find themselves in the trap of shooting for an “ideal” weight or body measurements or an unblemished record of adherence to a course of action. Change isn’t perfect. It’s messy and complicated and full of spirals and twists. When you’re working towards better health, your goal needs to be meeting personal bests and developing a healthier version of you on your own terms, using your own strengths and talents.

You’ll have forward motion but the road taken and the time to travel it will be different for everyone. Detours and roadblocks happen but you still get where you’re going. Don’t let the idea of it not being a “perfect sunday drive” prevent you from leaving the garage.

What has you stuck? What’s keeping you from creating the healthy life you deserve?

Photo credit: te.esce / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

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by Paul on August 14  •  Permalink
Posted in body image, change, confidence, fitness, self-esteem, weight loss
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Posted by Paul on August 14

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/08/14/the-roadblock-called-perfection/

Where do you sit in the crayon box?

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To continually improve your life, you need to better understand yourself; your strengths and weaknesses. There are dozens of personality assessments commonly used today in business and for personal use such as StrengthsFinder, Myers-Briggs and Values in Action.

I recently learned of a new system called The Color Code. This assessment looks at your strengths and limitations and how you react to different situations. What is unique is that the instructions are explicit that you answer from the viewpoint of how you behaved as a child. The final result places you into a color category with a dominant motive.

I completed the assessment and learned that I’m very much a blue. I supposed that would make me Midnight Blue. Blues are motivated by intimacy. The summary results and video shown upon completion of the assessment state that I need to genuinely connect with others, that I’m loyal to friends, employees and employers and that everything I do is quality based. Most important, I need to create meaningful relationships and to serve and give of myself freely to nurture others’ lives. I’d say that’s a fair assessment knowing myself and given my profession.

The real value of assessments, however, comes from having your shadow side held up for examination. Working with a coach or through self-exploratory exercises, you can examine how these darker traits show up in your life and how you might better integrate them into a more positive whole. For example, my very blue personality can make me worry-prone and moody when I’m at my worst. I’m aware of these traits so I’m mindful of how I’m reacting to others if I’m under an unusual amount of stress. I use “thought trapping,” pausing to look at the root cause of a feeling, to check my responses when I’m in an off mood.

You can take the basic Color Code analysis for free.  Once completed, let me know what you learned about yourself. Were there any surprises? How might you address the traits that show up when you’re not at your best?

Photo credit: scottwills / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

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by Paul on August 7  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, relationships, self-esteem
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Posted by Paul on August 7

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/08/07/where-do-you-sit-in-the-crayon-box/

Go with the Flow and See Where Life Takes You

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Take control, take action, grab the bull by the horns, take charge of your destiny…. all really common phrases. We’re taught from the time we’re children that we need to constantly be working towards something and striving to build our future. But what if the actions you’re currently taking are actually setting you back? Sometimes it’s helpful to just quit swimming upstream, relax and see where the current of your like takes you.

One coaching client was at odds with herself. She loved her work and her colleagues and clients and was doing a great job, but she felt she should be “climbing the ladder” and “making a name for herself.” She left her position for a better titled job in a new industry. (I’ve written about decisions involving should versus want so you might already know where this is going.)

Several weeks later, she realized she hadn’t made the best choice for herself. She was miserable and sorely missed her prior position. She came to me for coaching and she reached a point where she was ready to put her pride aside and ask for what she really wanted—her old position. She was welcomed back with open arms. Additionally, she was promoted. She had been recognized for her devotion to clients and her ability to be a team player. In fact, they were about to offer her the new position right before she had left. She had really been working towards “making a name for herself” all along but just hadn’t realized it. If she had just “gone with the flow” a bit longer, her original desire to create a better position for herself would have come to fruition without the added trauma.

I’m not saying complete inactivity is the way to go through life but sometimes just sitting back and seeing where life leads you can get you to the same place with much less stress. If you’re happy, comfortable and in a place you want to be, don’t allow the feelings that you “should” be taking more action make you change your course. Your efforts may be working in your favor, they just need some time to be realized.

Photo credit: musubk / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA

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by Paul on July 31  •  Permalink
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Posted by Paul on July 31

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/07/31/go-with-the-flow-and-see-where-life-takes-you/

Darned if You Do, Darned if You Don’t

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It’s easy to get stuck in your life. You have a decision to make and something looming over you prevents you from making a choice. What if you’ve gotten yourself bound up in a position where you can’t make a good decision based on your current perceptions?

I just went through an exercise with a group where everyone had to list their excuses (limiting beliefs) for not moving their businesses forward. A pair of statements on one list jumped out at me:

I’m afraid of what success will bring.
What if I fail?

They didn’t leave themselves much room here. You’re either going to succeed or fail in business. For this individual, it was readily apparent how their perceptions had them frozen.

A typical coaching response to “What if I fail?” might be something like “What if you succeed?” but that has already been precluded by the prior statement. This is one of those knots (I call it a “double-bind” though I know it doesn’t meet the formal definition) that needs to be picked apart carefully. One key is the use of the word “afraid.” The False Evidence Appearing Real is a great place to start the conversation. Looking into what success looks like for the individual will help identify what’s blocking the way for them there. Once a harmonious vision of success is achieved, opening that door will be easier. They can then leave the idea of failure behind.

What types of situations frequently get you bound up? How have you eventually untied the knot?

Photo credit: fortinbras / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA

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by Paul on July 24  •  Permalink
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Posted by Paul on July 24

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/07/24/darned-if-you-do-darned-if-you-dont/

How to Turn Your Commitment to Change into Action

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Last week I wrote about how you decide to make a change. Once you’ve acknowledged the need to change a behavior and have made a commitment, you need to move from planning to some action.

Your life will be no better than the plans you make and the action you take. You are the architect and builder of your own life, fortune, destiny. —Alfred A. Montapert

When taking steps to bring about some desired change, you need to look at what has or has not worked for you in the past. You also need to be open to new ideas and be willing to change your course of action as you try new approaches. There is no right or wrong way to succeed in your goal; you need to discover through trial and error what works best for you.

One of the classic examples is losing weight. There are hundreds of diet and exercise plans and by combining these into a plan of action, there are likely millions of ways for someone to decrease their body weight to get to a comfortable number on the scale. Keep in mind that once you reach your goal, you also need to maintain the behavior. Maintaining your desired weight will likely require that you continue some or all of these activities for an extended period of time so you need to find options that are sustainable for you. For example, you might use a strict meal-plan system where all of the food is provided for you to drop some pounds. However, how likely is it that you’ll want to remain on that diet for the rest of your life? It probably wouldn’t be very enjoyable and would be expensive too.

For lasting change, consider the long-term maintenance of your desired behavior when creating a plan of action. Try to change your mindset to get to the root of the issue instead of using a quick fix that won’t last. There are two practices recommended by Prochaska that I pass along to coaching clients that can help bring about this mental shift; countering and environmental controls. Countering is replacing the undesired behavior with a healthy, more desirable one and environmental control means manipulating your setting or avoiding a location to prevent the behavior. Including either or both of these in your action plan will be helpful.

For example, let’s say you’re prone to snacking through the day. You can consciously replace that activity with another. For me, I started doing push-ups whenever I wanted a snack. This countering helped in two ways. I burned some extra calories and the activity usually made me forget the urge to snack. Over time, I began to crave physical activity when I was bored or restless and that has served me well. I also worked at a company that had a cafeteria that served cheap but gourmet quality meals. It was easy to overeat. I could have avoided the cafeteria but I would have also missed out on the social interactions that took place there. Instead, I simply started bringing my lunch. As everyone was in line getting their food, I’d eat my lunch. By the time they got to the table with the gourmet meal, I’d already be half done and fairly full. Once the conversation started, I was no longer tempted to get more food.

Once you have your steps in mind, I recommend the following:

  1. Write your plan down.
  2. Share your plan and goals with someone that will hold you accountable.
  3. Review your plan DAILY and note how you’ve done.
  4. Review your progress WEEKLY to see if your actions are working. If not, try something new.
  5. Finally, don’t give up. You’ll reach your goal over time.

There’s no single “magic bullet” that anyone can provide you to create the change you desire. All change has to come from within and you are the only person that can make it happen. Be strong, ask for help and stick with it. You’ll get there!

Photo credit: waynesutton12 / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA

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by Paul on July 17  •  Permalink
Posted in body image, change, confidence, fitness, relationships, self-esteem, weight loss
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Posted by Paul on July 17

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/07/17/how-to-turn-your-commitment-to-change-into-action/

How to Better Understand Yourself

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I’ve written a lot about the importance of being genuine; of being yourself. But how well do you really know who you are?

He who knows others is learned; He who knows himself is wise.
-Lao-tzu, Tao te Ching

When you ask people to “tell me a little about yourself” you’ll often get the biographical data dump but little insight into who they really are as a person. Some people may not verbalize this well but others simply have never stopped to look inward. They really don’t know their strengths, beliefs or values. They don’t know what makes them unique.

Coaching lends itself to bringing out the best in people. I love using assessments to help people learn more about themselves and it also gives them starting points for our coaching conversations. One of the most popular assessments is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI.) The MBTI gives you an indication of how you see the world and interact with others. After taking the test, you’re left with a type based on four dichotomies. For example, my type is ENFJ. Without going into a lot of detail, each type has some consistent personality traits and you can use this information to really build on your strengths.

The MBTI takes quite a bit of training to evaluate but the general information it provides is still useful. There are dozens of other assessments but my current favorite is VIA or values in action. While most other assessments tell about how you do things or interact with others, the VIA helps you discover your values or character strengths. These are the essence of your being. My VIA strengths are fairness, humor, kindness, leadership and honesty. You can take the assessment for free and the results are easy to comprehend. You can build on them through exercises of your own design or by working with a professional.

In addition to assessments, the idea of personal development is important. Once you know your greatest talents or deeply held values, learn more about making these traits even stronger. Notice I’m focusing on your strengths. Some look at their “low points” and try to figure out a way to make them better but why not start with where you’re already strong and become stellar? Read, watch videos, listen to podcasts or take classes. Do whatever you enjoy that will allow you to better understand yourself and become the greatest version of you the world will ever see!

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by Paul on July 3  •  Permalink
Posted in change, confidence, relationships, self-esteem
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Posted by Paul on July 3

https://motoringforwardcoaching.com/2013/07/03/how-to-better-understand-yourself/

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